var msg = new Array();
Stamp = new Date();
today = Stamp.getDate();
msg[1] = "To need only three things to appreciate certain ladies - time, money, and myopia!";
msg[2] = "They just invented a computer that's so human - on Monday mornings it comes in late!";
msg[3] = "In California, marriages break up so fast wedding photographers are using Polaroid cameras.";
msg[4] = "I just heard the saddest story. About a doctor who lost all his money on the horses - and in desperation he tried to rob a bank. But nobody could read his hold-up note.";
msg[5] = "The trouble with going to those alcoholic meetings, you hear such awful things about what liquor can do to you that right away you need a drink to steady your nerves.";
msg[6] = "They say there are four to five million alcoholics in this country.  These are staggering figures!";
msg[7] = "I just figured out how to solve all the economic problems of the country. Make complacency taxable.";
msg[8] = "I can't say I was in the top half of my class - but I was in the group that made the top half possible.";
msg[9] = "There's no question that education is a marvellous thing. I know a fellow who went to uni for six years and you ought to see him now. He's the only one who writes stick-up notes in Latin!";
msg[10] = "I know a dairy farmer who's so tired of his job, he won't even go to a topless night club.";
msg[11] = "Have you ever eaten in a Paris restaurant? The real waiters are the customers!";
msg[12] = "They say baldness is an indication of masculinity. The only trouble is, it lessens your opportunities to prove it!";
msg[13] = "The fastest way to meet new people: Pick up somebody else's change at a bar.";
msg[14] = "Everything is regulated these days. Even the Bluebird of Happiness is filing a flight plan!";
msg[15] = "This year the tax department claims the forms are so simple, even a three-year-old can understand them. Providing he's a C.P.A.";
msg[16] = "Inflation is when vegetarians aren't the only ones who don't eat meat!";
msg[17] = "I won't say she's fat but she gets fan letters from Captain Ahab!";
msg[18] = "I'd like to pay my employees what they're worth - but I don't want to break the Minimum Wage Law.";
msg[19] = "Abbreviations mean different things in different countries. A sign in front of an Australian motel saying 'TV' means television.  In Germany it means Tourists Velcome!";
msg[20] = "If you're ever down and depressed, get out a copy of the last letter you wrote applying for a job, and you'll realise what an admirable person you are.";
msg[21] = "Anyone who uses the expression 'dirt cheap' has never gone out and bought top soil.";
msg[22] = "Lawns are the passion of suburbanites. I think after that long trip home each night, they don't have energy for anything else!";
msg[23] = "The way Medibank is going, I would guess that in 2005 it will pay for dentists; in 2010 it will pay for psychiatrists; and in 2015 it will pay for get-well cards!";  
msg[24] = "My memory is so bad, I'm the only one who can watch HAMLET and not know who the murderer is!";
msg[25] = "I just met the world's nerviest person. Makes obscene phone calls - COLLECT!";
msg[26] = "Shallow? If it wasn't for bumper stickers, he wouldn't have any opinions at all!";
msg[27] = "Middle age is when a night on the town is followed by two on your back.";
msg[28] = "Important? he gets calendars from the World Bank!";
msg[29] = "My wife wanted a foreign convertible - I got her one. A rickshaw.";
msg[30] = "The way I look at money, you can't take it with you. And even if you could, it would have to be fireproof!";
msg[31] = "Money CAN buy happiness. Ask anyone who subscribes to <I>Playboy</I>!";

function writeTip9() { 
document.write(msg[today]);
}