var msg = new Array();
Stamp = new Date();
today = Stamp.getDate();
msg[1] = "One night I made love from one o'clock to five past two. It was the time they put the clocks forward.";
msg[2] = "My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading.";
msg[3] = "The only thing with being an atheist is that there's nobody to talk to during orgasm.";
msg[4] = "'Mommy mommy, what's an orgasm?' 'I don't know, ask your father.'";
msg[5] = "He: Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?<BR>She: I would, but you're never there.";
msg[6] = "Q: How do you know when a female yuppie achieves orgasm?<BR>A: She drops her briefcase.";
msg[7] = "A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face and the egg is frowning and looking put out. The egg mutters to no one in particular, 'Well, I guess we answered that question.'";
msg[8] = "Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast. Woody Allen";
msg[9] = "Sex on television can't hurt unless you fall off.";
msg[10] = "Too much of a good thing is wonderful! Mae West";
msg[11] = "If you have been married more than ten years, being good in bed means you don't steal the covers.";
msg[12] = "Women should be obscene and not heard.";
msg[13] = "It's the morning after the honeymoon, and the wife says, 'You know, you're really a lousy lover.' To which the husband replies, 'How can you tell after only thirty seconds?'";
msg[14] = "Do we have any impotent men here tonight? Oh, I see, you can't get your arms up either.";
msg[15] = "Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay?<BR>A: They don't have time.";
msg[16] = "My trouble is reconciling my gross habits with my net income. Errol Flynn";
msg[17] = "It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on. Marilyn Monroe";
msg[18] = "I used to be Snow White, but I drifted. Mae West";
msg[19] = "Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.";
msg[20] = "I read recently that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.";
msg[21] = "My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects.";
msg[22] = "Getting married for sex is like buying a 747 for the free peanuts.";
msg[23] = "A terrible thing happened to me last night again - nothing.";  
msg[24] = "Sex is like the air: it's not important unless you aren't getting any.";
msg[25] = "Life is a sexually transmitted disease and the mortality rate is one hundred per cent.";
msg[26] = "Flies spread disease - keep yours zipped";
msg[27] = "Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.";
msg[28] = "Q: What do you call people who use the rythm method?<BR>A: Parents";
msg[29] = "I have no luck with women. I once went on a date and asked the woman if she'd brought any protection. She pulled a switchblade on me.";
msg[30] = "The best contraceptive is a glass of cold water: not before or after, but instead.";
msg[31] = "It's important to pay close attention in school - for years I thought that bears masturbated all winter.";

function writeTip9() { 
document.write(msg[today]);
}